Saturday, February 1, 2014

Why I Will Always Hate February




February is the pits!  Valentine's Day without a my valentine.  President's Day when all the good presidents are dead.  Punxsutawney Phil will most likely see his shadow tomorrow...six more weeks of Winter.  Erika and Tyler are moving to So. California (but, I'm not going to talk about that).  The Olympics start on the 7th (yay!) but will have to close on the 23rd (boo!).  They're in Sochi, Russia (where??) and the public restrooms there have double toilet stalls (double boo!!).

Worst of all, it will be the second anniversary of my boyfriend's untimely death.

Last year on February 1st I wrote about "Turning Pages".   Calendar pages.  I wrote about how difficult it was to physically turn the January page to February.  It would somehow reinforce that my Terry would be gone for an entire year.  Impossible.  As if not turning a calendar page could bring him back.  As if.  But, I eventually turned it and the world didn't fall apart.  Most likely because it had already done so a year before.  You can read that post here:  http://candadiantami.blogspot.com/2013/02/turning-pages.html if you are so inclined.

So, here I am facing another turn of the calendar.  It has got to be easier this year right??  I mean, two years is a long time.  I should be a little more "together" when it comes to silly little calendars.  I've learned many things over the past two years.  One being, I can NEVER just assume that my life and feelings will play out the way I imagined them.  This crazy heart inside has a mind of it's own and is usually connected to my tears.

I faced my beautiful new calendar from Melissa Rae last night.  It was like facing off with a boxing opponent.  If I turned January to February, I just knew I'd get punched in the face.  So, I left it on January again.  Take THAT, February!

Last night I reread all of my blog posts from last February...the year anniversary of Terry's death.  I was sobbing my eyes out (as I knew I would) and feeling all of those feelings all over again.  I should have stopped.  But, it felt good to hurt.  What?  I know.  I can't describe it.  Sometimes when I hurt, I feel better.  Maybe I need a therapist.

So, after reading the post from February 1, 2013, I remembered that I had Eloise with me last year.  As luck would have it, I have her this year as well.  Just the two of us.  We went to lunch with some friends then headed out to the Provo Cemetery to visit Pop Pop.  We arrived to find a LARGE group of people waiting to bury their departed loved one.  We walked closer and I started to worry that the group had congregated on top of Terry's spot.  Getting closer and closer,  I could feel all of these wonderful people actually exuding a palpable love for their dear one.  It was peaceful.  Like an invisible shield around that sacred occasion.  We found my boyfriend's spot...within three feet of the mourning family.  We'd have to make it quick.  There wasn't enough snow to fashion snowball hearts like last year.  Just some hard snow/ice left over from the last snowfall.  So, we made heart imprints with our feet, said "We love you, Pop Pop!", and that was it.  A tradition has begun.

I guess I can be grateful that it isn't a leap year and that February is just 28 days long.  Hopefully, I'll have turned that calendar page by then.


                     



This photo has me so confused.  Those hearts are actually pressed into the snow by our shoes.
I have stared at it in every possible way and I can only see them
popping up.
I'm not going crazy...am I?
Please tell me you see it that way.





4 comments:

Rachel said...

You're not crazy! I thought the same thing and when you said they were from your shoes I went back and looked at the photos because I could have sworn you had some cool shape making toy you'd used like an igloo block maker to make those!

Your boyfriend is sending you a message!! It's a Valentine's Gift. He's 'popping up' to ask if you'll still be his Valentine. :D

Rachel said...

P.S. And you're not crazy with the whole calender thing or the whole 'when you mourn it should be this way and here are the steps only...... what were the steps again because I've fallen down the stairs......' thing.

Loss is hard. We never get over it. It just gets different....

Rainy Day Farm said...

Those hearts are so beautiful. Sending hugs.

Rainy Day Farm said...

Those hearts are so beautiful. Sending hugs.

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